Today I feel empty.
Today I feel like I wish I had feelings in my heart.
I need inspiration. I need motivation.
Life is boring when you aren't crazy over someone. Or at least pining over someone.
Life is boring when you wake up, go to work, go home, go to bed.
I'm at the point where I might just be manufacturing feelings in my mind.
Just to have something to think about.

I'm writing all crazy like this because I'm reading A Million Little Pieces. It's a fucking fantastic book. Grips you. Makes you want to write crazy too, I guess.

But really though, I do feel empty. I do feel like I might just be making up feelings about someone that I reconnected with just for the sake of curing boredom. Maybe also for the fact that he isn't pursuing me incessantly, I feel like I need the challenge in pursuing him.

The fact that he admitted to having a little crush on another girl just makes it all the more worthwhile, all the more challenging and thus entertaining. Who knows how this one will turn out.

I need a cure for my boredom. My boredom with life. I haven't painted in forever. Just not feeling it. It's become more of a chore than a love. That sucks. That really fucking sucks. I don't really know what to do about it anymore.

On another topic, I went home for the holiday weekend. I stayed at my sister's. My nephew is now three months old and I can see she is starting to burn out, her patience is starting to wear thin. I used to be a bit jealous, I really was, because in life she always had it easy. Things always came easily to her. She found herself a man who could take care of her, spoil her. She didn't have to worry about her finances like I worry about mine. She settled down and decided to start a family.

It seemed like she had her shit together, her life down pat. Maybe she does and maybe she's happy, maybe she'll be happy forever. But being there for three days made me dismiss those thoughts of jealousy and mild resentment. I realized how much I value what I have, and what she'll never have.

I've lived and I will continue to live. I am a wild pony, and I would not trade my freedom for reins and a picket fence any day. Freedom. That's something some people will never have. That's something my poor sister will never see again. Something I hope I'll never have to relinquish until I'm tired of being free, until I wish to be tamed.