What Being in a Failed Relationship Has Taught Me
It has been a really long time since I've updated.
But I wanted to reflect on something, wanted to make sure I got it down. You see, something crazy happened to me in November. I got a boyfriend.
Last summer I reconnected with one who has been known before in this diary as 'The Stupid One.' I feel like I can't call him that anymore-- even if he was stupid at the time, so I was I, so was the situation. Anyway. I somehow got convinced to open that door again, to let him in, to try.
Then he pulled his characteristic stupid shit on me, maybe I played into it, but whatever point is it happened again and I was like seriously.. and gave up. That's when I met this guy.
He was a nice guy. Your typical 'nice guy.' The more I look back in hindsight, the more I see that could have never made me happy, but at the beginning I just thought "Wow, a decent human being who truly cares for me, who treats me well." And he did. And I thought maybe this could be something real. The Stupid One reappeared from his hiatus, he was ready this time. He would have come out to Dubai. But I had to shut him down, told him he missed the boat and that I was with someone, and that I was happy.
I WAS happy. But time passed and the seed of that relationship didn't really grow. We went on holiday together, one of the most amazing holidays one could ever dream of... Leading up to this I thought I would actually drop the L-bomb but waited because it was nearing Valentine's Day and didn't want to be cliche. As all things do, that happened for a reason, because by the end of this holiday those L-bomb feelings disappeared. I found myself thinking about the Stupid One, knowing in my heart that I would have been happier if he were there instead.
What a terrible thing to go through one's mind while they're on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday with their significant other. But that's what it was. An entire week of uninterrupted time with one other human being in a faraway place does add more to your perspective of them.
Things were up and down after that. They weren't bad, but they weren't amazing. I thought, give it time. But time passed and my feelings didn't ameliorate. It wasn't a passing cloud. Last month I couldn't take it anymore and ended it with him. I knew he would never be the one for me, I knew I was never going to marry him. And that's what I said.
This entire time, the One-Who-Is-No-Longer-Stupid has been a constant presence. After that one holiday, I told him how I felt about it all.. and he has been patient, caring, and supportive. If he has had any agenda he did not make it the center of attention-- there may have been a mention of this agenda previously when he made it clear that he wasn't giving up on me, and when the time was right would do whatever was necessary to.. well, to get me essentially. Powerful words.
Yet I came to this realization last night. This relationship came at a time where the person I truly wanted was ready for me, but I wasn't ready for him. I had been single for years. I was fully immersed in single girl lifestyle, I did what I wanted to do when I wanted to do it. I only cared about my own thoughts and feelings. I didn't know what it was like to be committed to someone, to compromise. I had to learn how to be someone's girlfriend. If I had had a chance with the Stupid One, I would have blown it, because I was at a stage in my life where all I knew how to be was self-serving. I was ready to be someone's girl but I wasn't ready to be his girl.
Having gone through this recent relationship taught me how to be a partner, how to let go of flying solo. So as disappointing as it was to go through that relationship, I needed that, because short as it was it brought forth parts of me that were long dead and buried.
In three weeks I will be seeing the One-Who-Is-No-Longer-Stupid and instead of scared and nervous like I'd been in the past, I am excited. Because this feels right. I try not to get ahead of myself, try not to think too far into the future because as someone who lives on the other side of the world.. it's difficult. But I won't deny feelings, I won't shut myself off from opportunities because I am scared. I'm not there anymore.
I guess we'll just.. see..
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