I haven't had sex in two months. And before that one day it was four months. I had sex only one day out of the last six months. That's disheartening.

It's come to a point where I don't even know if I care anymore. I have embraced bramacharya. It will happen when the time is right for it to happen.

Yoga has become the object of my intentions, currently. Not so much that physical practice, which I indeed do nearly every day, but yoga as a whole way of being. I am trying to learn as much as I can about the spiritual practice of yoga, about the way yogis see the world and our roles within it, about how to quiet the mind and become one with your body and spirit.

It is fascinating to me because finally I have found a method of spiritual practice that actually makes sense to me. There is no bullshit. There are no formal rituals. There are no churches, no secular leaders, no judgement. It is the way I always thought it should be. It is the answer to all of the problems I have with Catholicism, by which I was raised.

I no longer feel like a broken toy. I feel like a toy that is in the process of being rebuilt, into a bigger, better, more sophisticated toy. One that will be cherished. One that will be maintained but (hopefully) never destroyed. I am not "better" yet but I feel better. Feeling like now I know where this is going.

---

My friend set me up on this date last week. It was the strangest moment of my life when I was dining with her family and a family friend came to do maintenance on their lawn sprinklers and a mere few minutes after meeting, he insisted he had the guy for me. He put me on the spot in front of my friend who would not let me say no. She knew the guy, her family knew the guy, they were all saying yes yes she will be there. I had no choice. So I said to my friend who I love so dearly, you're coming with me.

And that's how it started. This fiasco of an evening with her, her brother, and this guy who will not yet be named or even code named. They picked me up, we had a nice dinner, many drinks and shots were served. Those Italians are crazy. But it was a fun evening, and as of right now I can't find a reason not to see this guy again.

He asked for my number, I gave it. He texted me the next afternoon. Wasn't expecting that. Is it fair to disregard the three day rule in this kind of situation? I had plans all weekend, but he wanted to meet today. Had to cancel because he forget it was Mothers Day. I was mostly relieved.

That just goes to show that I have some major issues. I am so used to saying no that I don't know how to say yes. I don't know how to open the door to new opportunities. I reject them simply, and only embrace them when they come crashing into my life instead. When damage is already done and its too late. Now I'm feeling ten years younger, as if I'm completely new to this thing and haven't a clue what to do. Except ten years ago I actually had game (you know, before I was broken and all). It leaves me feeling apathetic, like I don't even want to bother, like already I want to give up because the task seems daunting and simply too hard.

I know that is ridiculous. I know I have to be the one to give myself a shove in the right direct when I don't have my friends around to do it for me.

The whole concept of this is intimidating.