I actually thought I was going to have a major anxiety attack meltdown today. It's been building up since about Thursday. I was eating supper tonight and actually had to stop midway through the meal. My food all of a sudden tasted bland and sickening. My appetite vanished. I was about to freak the fuck out.

For what? I'm not sure. I don't know. A lot of things.

The closer I am to the end of this awful practicum, the harder it becomes for me to deal. But I can't put my finger on what is bothering me. I just want to excel, I want to be amazing, and the past two weeks have been far from amazing. Its the subject, the class, the behaviour of some of these kids.. Its the fact that I'm learning this stuff the night before and I don't feel confident and secure teaching it because I have so limited of an understanding of the material myself. Its failing to find a way to make it interesting for my students to learn and knowing that they hate that class (so do I). Its not getting enough positive feedback from my associate, and way too much negative. Its the internal struggle of trying to figure out a method of classroom management that works for me, something I can live with. I'm not the kind of teacher that yells at kids and hands out detentions but I am afraid this is what must happen in this school..

The more I think about it, the more I realize that I haven't had a good break. Its been go go go since the spring, when I had a few weeks of a laid back schedule working at the bar. Since then its been move, camp, getting sick, car accident, school crap, going back to work (sick), get heartbroken, still being sick, move to London, start school, remaining heartbroken, practicum, school, yep still heartbroken, exams, practicum... All the while I have had little precious time to unwind, and when the time is there the money isn't. A day or two here and there was all I've had in the last six months.

I've also realized that a central component of my support system is completely gone from my life. I don't regret cutting him out completely (I doubt he will stay away). But here is a person that I've made sure to talk to every single day for the last four years-- with of course some exceptions when our relationship dissipated for a few weeks or months. Here is the person I relayed every detail of my life to, and talked to hours on end.. sometimes several times a day, sometimes at the strangest hours in the night. That's gone and I've been trying to fill the void by spending more time on the phone and on Skype with my friends from back home.

I realize in the process that I am completely neglecting the friends I've made here in London. I just don't feel the need to contact them lately. I have nothing to say, nothing fun planned to do. I've always been a solitary person and when I want to relax I do it alone.. or with someone special.

I don't know if this Pretty Boy is going to become someone special. He is very impressive to me, he has a lot of good qualities I look for and being with him is so free and easy. But I am not sure where he is at and what he's looking for, and I don't think we're going to be having that conversation any time soon. Right now, when I am with him I am content. I just wish I could have more time with him, because of that happy carefree feeling I get when he's here. Ahh lust that's what it does to you. Makes you addicted to that person's presence, and then feel withdrawal. We'll see how it goes. Cross your fingers for me, I could use something good like that in my life right now. We'll see..

So all of these things led me on the verge of an anxiety attack. I felt it coming, I caught myself. The last thing I wanted to do was get on my computer and finish planning for tomorrow's lessons, but when I started I all of a sudden felt better. I realized (in terms of tomorrows class) that I was stuck on nothing. I continued on to do some cleaning around my room, make my lunch for tomorrow and pick out my outfit (to minimize stress in the morning), and when I was happy with that I curled up in bed with the Cosmo I bought today and read for a bit. Now I am feeling at ease, maybe even a little relaxed.

I'm trying not to think about tomorrow, or Tuesday, or Wednesday, or the rest of the week because thinking about it isn't going to help for shit. One day at a time, take it as it comes, it will be over soon enough.