Trying to remember to write in this thing more often. Considering life is not so fun these days, I have a lot to say but have no energy to really write it all down. That and writing makes me think about it even more and, well, I'd rather not take the time to reflect some days.

I never thought I'd miss that stupid jerk so much. At first it felt like there was a big gaping hole inside of me, but now I only feel like there's a part of me missing. I don't really know how much of an improvement we can say that is.

I've been thinking a lot about the span of our relationship, from day one until now. So much history. I can't tell if its good or bad history, I can't tell whether I'm a better or a worse person for having knowing him. I certainly as hell can't tell how long this hurt will last or if, when, and how it will come to an end.

It makes it hard to be here. My partner in crime is basically dead to me. I'm 1000km from home, my closest friend from home is a boy toy that lives an hour and a half away. Everyone else is in Toronto, Montreal, and still back home. This weekend is Homecoming at my Alma Mater and it kills me that all of my alumni friends have gone down but not I.. no I couldn't go.. I wish I had just gone anyway. Screw class, screw my meetings.. But alas I'm not living like a poor man for a whole year just to do poorly in my programme.

About that. The government has screwed me once again and they are not giving me enough money. I have just enough for rent and then $20 to spare each month... to cover my cell phone, food, and other incidental expenses that may arise. For fucks sakes I need to go out and buy shoes and clothes to wear while I'm teaching and now I can't.. I'm going to look like a poor student playing dress up in their mothers hand-me-downs. Maybe that is an exaggeration I do have a few new outfits. Nevertheless, what am I to do.. without sucking all of my funds from my bank account? I have a car to pay off as well. I need winter tires..

Its not like I can get a job like I originally intended. My course load is too intense, it will kill me by itself.. let alone working on the side. So I need to suck it up, not be afraid to ask for money, and carefully budget what I do have.. My parents just gave me a pretty substantial loan (3000 is a lot to me) but I am afraid to touch it because I don't like owing money, I'd like to be able to pay it back soon, and I don't want to have to ask for more.

When did life get so stupid..

I can say I've had the WORST summer. I hoped it wouldn't carry over into the school year but the residual feelings and subsequent problems aren't making it easier. The things that make me happy, the things that would turn it around for me, aren't within reach. I have to yet again be patient and wait. Finish my programme, wow my associate teachers and principals, and hopefully line up a job for next fall where I will finally begin to say I won't have to worry about money ever again. So please God don't screw me over that time, I need it. Otherwise, what am I working so hard for? What am I killing my soul over?

I feel so.. broken.. hastily glued back together, but with that cheap shit not like superglue or anything. Just waiting to break again, trying to prepare cause I've learned by now that have to try to catch myself when I fall.