Some days are so hard.

I don't know what he is to me. I just know that he's not there. It kills me that its my doing, that maybe I could have prevented the entire situation if I hadn't been so damn.. stupid, insecure, ignorant of my feelings.

When I first got to know him, I told myself that I knew it was going to be something big. I knew it would either be forever, or it would crash and burn in a big explosion. I remember walking home from his place after only our first or second time together and thinking to myself, "I'm going to marry that boy."

Three years later.. a lot of water under the bridge. A big, long, complicated relationship that was never a relationship. It doesn't feel like this is the end. It doesn't feel like its over. I have this instinctual gut feeling that's telling me that one day I'm going to get one of his classic drunken phone calls at 3am. Maybe he'll bitch me out or maybe he'll tell me what I've been longing to hear.

Maybe I just won't have the strength in me to not answer the phone, even though I told him I wouldn't pick up if he ever did try to contact me. If he were to call me right now, the way I'm feeling today, I would answer. I would answer and speak the truth. Screw hiding my feelings, what good would that do. Already jumped off that bridge.

This is hard. I have gone through heart break before, but as a teenager. Its superficial, its immature, its naive. This is none of those things, but it hurts just the same, if not more. I really can't tell because half of me just feels numb to it all. I'm dealing the best I can but I have moments of weakness when I hear a heartbroken country song (or a Hedley song). Or something pops up in life that reminds me of him. Or when I hear a sad story about a man who lost it all. Or at the end of my day when all I want to do is share it with that person I can feel comfortable to talking about anything--well, almost anything.. anything but my feelings that is.

I would never in a million years have admitted to being in love with this stupid boy. But I think most of it is because I don't know what love is, so how would I know if I was. I think sometimes you don't realize what you have until you've lost it. That's so cliche it kind of makes me want to puke.