I haven't been sleeping. Its been a few weeks now that my insomnia has been intolerable. Take forever to fall asleep, only to wake up after a few hours and be awake tossing and turning for hours. Then I blink and the alarm goes off. Last night I was actually pissed, when I checked the time (which I know is a nighttime no-no, I do it rarely) and realized it was only midnight, which meant I had another 6 hours of failing to sleep ahead of me. I wished it was closer to 4am or something so that it would be less time of misery.

Not being able to sleep is the greatest torture one can inflict upon oneself. I always feel so ruined. My brain ceased to function today. I went down a flight of stairs and mid step realized I wasn't even paying attention, and was just short of falling on my face. Forgetting how to use stairs.. Now that's tired.

And I really don't know if it is my mind or my body, or a combination of both, that is doing this to me. I realize the insomnia coincides with the beginning of this month, when I was promoted at work, and also when I started training more often. I regularly spend 10-12 hours a day at the gym between work and working out.

When it comes to work, I expect a lot from myself. I hold myself to high standards. I want to make a noticeable difference in the way the business is run, so that it flows more smoothly and there are less day-to-day problems. I had the task of hiring someone to replace the hours of my former manager who is leaving, and ended up convincing my boss to let me hire two people. Something tells me it is the right thing to do. Perhaps it is a subconscious knowledge that one of the current staff will not be staying much longer (I almost cross my fingers on that one, because she has been making me crazy and it would probably be much better if she split). I don't know. I am "faking it til I make it" when it comes to running that place and being the new boss. The owner has faith in me, he values my opinion and trusts my judgement. This is a top notch guy so I'm going to trust the fact that he trusts in me, and that I may undersell myself.

While I'm not sleeping, I've been keeping my brain busy by thinking about all the things I have to do. The conversations I need to have with staff. The way I want to train the new girls. The cleaning schedule. The new programme we are planning for kids. Bills that need to be paid. Everything. Obviously this points a big fat red arrow on my sleeplessness. But the thoughts aren't overpowering, they aren't keeping me awake. They're just there, since I'm awake anyway, I might as well be thinking. And the thinking ranges from work to boys to what I'll wear to fantasizing about my morning coffee to work again and to trying to commit the jiu jitsu moves I've been learning to memory. So as you can see its not just work, I don't even feel that stressed, its just.. thinking while I'm awake anyway.

Yeah maybe my training and eating schedule may have a big role to do with it as well. I train more during the winter. What is the point of finishing work at 4pm only to go home and do nothing because its cold as fuck and dark out already? So I stay after work and train most days, if my body can handle it. Have been doing BJJ on Mon-Wed-Fri and my conditioning in between, depending on how I feel that day I'll skip or run, do weights or just core circuit training. This Friday I've got a boxing lesson. Do I seem overly ambitious to you? I want to be able to run 5k, I want a stripe on my belt, if not a blue belt, by this summer, I want my abs to just barely peak out of my nice flat stomach that I've worked so hard to attain, and I want to be able to skip rope damnit-- skipping rope like a fighter is soo much harder than the kind you do when you're in grade school!-- and I don't want to compromise my cardio and weight training routine to do it all. Its kind of ridiculous now that I think about it that way. That is a lot of stuff. But to me it isn't really, it is a series of tasks. Yet that is the reason I spend so much time at the gym, and often leave there around 8pm having ingested only a protein shake for supper.

What is the solution? I will not compromise my training. I have made it a "rule" not to think about work when I am home, and especially when I am sleeping. It is easier said than done but eventually I will have trained myself to have that filter on my brain. I need to change my sleep routine obviously. That is painful, because the routine I had was working so well, it was perfect, and now I have to change it? For one, I am up at 11pm typing when normally I am asleep, or on my way to being asleep. I read somewhere to "only go to bed when you're tired" and in wait to do something relaxing like read a book or whatever. I also read it was good to jot down all of your thoughts, your stresses, and anxieties, so that you don't take it to bed with you, so I am doing that here. If I were to let it all out, however, I would be here for quite some time and I do hope to be in bed somewhat soon. I'll write a short semi cryptic list:

1- He has a girlfriend. I don't care, but still, what the fuck.
2- Another one is back in town. I'm excited to see him, I've missed his energy. Not sure where it will go but I hope its something good.
3- Astro never leaves my mind. I think about him all the time. He is the ultimate fantasy, the one I'll never have again yet spend most of my time doting on him and hoping there's a chance (barf).
4- Work. Thats funny, I thought I would have much more to say than that simple word. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work.
5- I feel much better
6- Need to buy some bitter cherry juice, and hope that does the trick. Melatonin supplement on the daily doesn't ring well with me.
7- Hope my cat doesn't try to cuddle with my face all night.. again.. Wondering if he is the reason I can't sleep, or if I'm the reason he can't sleep, or if he always does that and only lately since I'm not sleeping do I actually notice it.
8- Been reading The Hobbit and its the most fucking long and boring book that isn't long nor boring. How does that make sense I have no idea. But I can't wait til its over so I can move on to the other books I've borrowed from people.
9- Thinking about breaking the "no laptop in the bedroom" rule and putting on the "Oceans" documentary series I've been watching. It normally helps to relax me except for some times like when they showed the scene of killer whales ruthlessly separating a baby grey whale from its mother, killing it, and eating only the tongue and part of the jaw, leaving the rest to eventually sink to the ocean floor. Now that'll scar you for life.. before bed..
10- Its so fucking cold in this city I kind of want to cry
11- Thinking my sleeping mask has been attributing to the acne breakout (worse at the age of 25 than 15 wtf) but I can't really sleep without it so what do I do.

I think I'm done. Nice.

Off to watch Oceans and maybe pop a couple Benadryls, shame on me.