Something strange happened to me the other day.

Talked on the phone with Stupid One for the first time in a while on Sunday evening.. very short phone call not too interesting I wasn't too talkative.. Anywho, I hung up and strangely felt.. nothing. I wasn't happy or relieved to had talked to him, nor was I sad or upset. Those are typically the reactions I have to all of our conversations so imagine how baffled I was when I felt.. nothing.

The feeling (or lack thereof) lingered for quite some time. I'm still feeling completely callous. I think that maybe, just maybe, I finally came to terms with the fact that our relationship did not turn out the way I wanted it to, and that its ok.

Everything happens, or doesn't happen, for a reason.

I've believed that with every ounce of my being for a long long time. I was so upset about all the things I regretted not doing, things that could have turned our relationship around for the better. Now I'm remembering the second part of that mantra.. or doesn't happen.. maybe it didn't happen because it was meant to not happen.

I didn't go to Miami, didn't visit him in March, didn't talk about my feelings when I realized them.. if I'm going to be true to my mantra, then those things happened for a reason too. There's a reason I didn't jump on that plane, or that I didn't use that bus ticket. I didn't know it then, but I felt that hesitation, I felt that gut feeling that told me not to go. Strange I regretted those decisions but I think I will eventually discover why it was meant to turn out this way.

Maybe we aren't meant for each other after all. Maybe we are, but we need to go through this kind of experience so that when we decide to be together, it will be for good. You never know I guess...

So I have ceased to dwell on this issue. Hoping my feelings don't go south, hoping I won't cave after some time and end back at square one. I like it this way. I like going to bed and not thinking about what was and what could've been.. I like waking up in the morning not miserable because he's not here. I hope this lasts.