It is amazing how many changes you can go through in such a short time. Before I got to London I had a lot of shit on my plate. My mind and my heart were everywhere-- just a fucking mess, I was. But I'm figuring my shit out. Fast. A little too fast. It's like I'm having these life-changing realizations almost every other day. Some are petty little things but some are big.. some are huge.

In my last entry I talked about how something had changed inside of me, like a switch clicked off and my painful feelings for the Stupid One disappeared. I wondered if that would be a permanent change or just something that would last a day or two. Well, I am here to tell you that these feelings-- or lack thereof-- have survived throughout my PMS (when you REALLY find out what's bothering you lol) and then some.

The situation itself has actually worsened, but my approach to it hasn't changed. We aren't talking any more. I answered the phone last weekend when he called me and he was just a total douchebag. The time he didn't spend glorifying himself, he spent shitting on me. What kind of a "friend" is that? I told him if that's his idea of being friends, I'm not interested. My friends are better people than that. He said its hard for him. It's hard for me too but I am working through it, I am trying. I expected the same in return and I wasn't getting it so.. done.

He needs time. He needs to get over it. I don't blame him too much for his actions; I have made it quite difficult for him to respect me after everything that happened, everything I said, the way I dealt with this crap situation. It wasn't admirable. But you can't always be perfect. I have figured my shit out, I know where I stand now, but I can tell he isn't sure. So he can have that time and figure his shit out, and if it is meant to work between us, then it will. If its not, I'm not missing much now am I?

So that is one thing. Other things have changed too. For one, I am detoxing from relationships. I have a boy who is a great boy, a boy who satisfies my needs when I want them satisfied, and expects nothing more than a true friend in return. We talk, we go out, we fuck, we aren't in love. Its nice. Its a shame we aren't in love actually, because he's pretty damn near perfect.. but neither of us are there right now. Neither of us want that in our lives. So I am completely appreciating how we are on the same page and how well we get along when we are together. Its nice to have a break from craziness every once in a while. I say every once in a while because he lives an hour and a half drive away :(

I'm also learning to be a better person. A bigger person. I have a roommate who is giving all of us trouble, and it is a testy situation. Actually we are currently not on speaking terms, just him and I. He overreacted over one of my stupid comments and asked me never to speak to him again. I told him it would be my pleasure. It was not mature but it was actually sincere. Either way, I found that not talking to him makes it a lot easier to deal with all of the stupid things he does. Since I can't say anything, can't do anything, there is no point and I might as well not care. Now that isn't me being a better person, I have examples of that but I felt like it would be much more interesting to write about this vow of silence... it just cracks me up. To me it is a joke. A very tense, very awkward, but very funny joke.

Finally, I am getting a better idea of where I want to be.. one year from now, five years from now, ten years from now. I feel like after clearing my mind of boy troubles and trying not to care too much about school, I am getting more in tune with myself and what I want from my life. That's the biggest part, I think. I know what relationships I want, I know where I want to be, I have my goals set out in front of me.

Not too bad for about 10 weeks work.