Going through a weird period of fluctuation. Not really sure what I want. I'm happy but I'm not. I'm lonely but I don't want to put the effort into not being alone.

The holidays aren't so bad, but if there is one thing I hate about Christmas is that everywhere you look people look so damn happy or in love. Seriously people? Go away.

Reminds me of the Maroon 5 lyrics "One more fucking love song I'll be sick." I'm just sick of it.

Work is work. I'm changing lives. I keep telling myself that on the days that I'm not super into it, or days I go home feeling drained. Today I had a kid tell me he fell upon his brother's Facebook and read a conversation between him and his girlfriend. The girl is suffering from some major depression, is suicidal, and is being physically abused by her father. I gave him advice, but the more I thought about it, the more it made me worried, so I found him later in the day and we decided to report it to a guidance counselor at the school ASAP. Just another day at the office.

Over the weekend I felt so lonely. But I don't just mean the "I wish I had a boyfriend" lonely. It doesn't really feel like that at all. Just, lonely. I spent the previous week back in my university town, for work actually, and was able to spend time with some of my best friends at my favourite places. So upon coming back to Montreal, I was kind of depressed. It's just not the same. I love the city, but I miss my people. I miss my places. It's just different, its hard to explain, but I realized yesterday that was the reason behind my loneliness, going from one world to another.

So I met up with this guy from university who moved to Montreal who I was kinda seeing last spring before I got sick. We went for cheesecake and I ordered a pumpkin spice latte. Then we went back to his place and just talked and cuddled for about an hour. It was nice, it was just what I needed. No expectations, no pressure, just comfort. Though I think he might have wanted to kiss me at the end of the night. I couldn't do it, I couldn't go back there, because my mind is just so confused about all that stuff I didn't want to send mixed signals. I hope I didn't send any mixed signals.

It was nice to have a familiar comfort from someone who understands 'home' and all the things I miss about it. And someone who thinks like me, and not like a typical Montrealer-- can you tell I am just sick of these Montreal homeboys.. Yet at the end of the day I guess it was kind of like just putting a band-aid on my loneliness.