I have so many things and nothing to say at the same time. It has been a weird week. Back to work, back to training, back to regular life.. It feels good to be back in routine, and just alive in general, but it is taxing. During my highs I often forget that I'm still in recovery mode, and find myself doing too much and then paying for it later. Today I feel like shit. I feel like you feel when you have a cold, when your body just doesn't want to move, you feel tired and foggy. But I don't have a cold, I'm otherwise healthy, just feeling that heavy feeling.. Happy I did not end up taking an 8-hour shift today, because that would not have been fun.

Feeling a bit of stress and anxiety over leaving my job. I am digging deep into myself and finding that the root of my tension comes from relinquishing my control to someone who I feel is undeserving-- in the sense that my boss decided to give my managerial position to a young and green employee. It took a few days just to wrap my mind around it.. WHY talk about a #wtfoftheyear I understand now the motives behind it, but I disagree vehemently. It is so wrong, and is bound to be disastrous. Yet why do I care, when I won't even be there? All I have to do is train this new person, to share as much knowledge as I can within the next week and pray they don't fuck up all of the work I put into the place.

That is when I realized it is merely my inner control freak that is making me, well, freak, about this. It has consumed me all week. Only now am I able start letting go of my feelings and my apprehension and distance myself from the situation. I will do what I've been doing, the best damn job I possibly can, until my very last day. Then I can wash my hands clean of whatever may or may not happen once I am gone.

Aside from that, I am not bothered by the prospect of starting a new job. I am still not 100% sure I will love this, but I know that I will not regret trying. Because even if it is not what I expected and if it isn't the best job in the world, it will be better than the old one in many ways that I was yearning for. I'll have to remind myself of that during lonely moments in a hotel room far from family, friends, and my personal space.

I know that in the end it will all be worth it. I try not to think about it to much because I am trusting my heart on this one. My heart knew from the very beginning that this is the path I am meant to take at this point in my life. Sometimes you just have to trust that driving force that comes up from inside of you, and that pushes you ever so gently you don't even realize how effortlessly you are moving forward.