Woke up this morning when it was still too early to get out of bed. Considered the idea of staying in bed all day, because that's how I feel. Just wasn't up for living life, the same life I've been living that I wanted so badly to come back to during my illness. Now I don't want it. Now I can't wait for it to change. When will it change?

I have never not been hired for a job that I interviewed in person for. They were supposed to call yesterday, whether it was a yes or a no. I checked my phone all day, to no avail. They didn't call. How could they not want me? I'm fantastic. I'm overly qualified for the job. It was a perfect fit.

I was counting on this opportunity. Truly, I got my hopes up. I don't know where to go from here. Clearly, back to the drawing board, back to the job postings. But when will it end? I need to get out of my situation ASAP, before I lose even more of my soul. And I seriously need more cash flow to make up for being sick for two months.

Today I am lacking the will and the energy to put toward positive thinking and determined searching. I wish I could bring myself to paint, to have a few hours of healing for my soul. I will try, or at least try to try. We'll see how it goes. I wish I could train, but the thing stopping me is frustration of not being able to do what I feel like I need to do-- run. I just want to run. Can I please just go for a run? I would last 30 seconds and my body would shut down, and I would hate life and everything in it for taking away my one true pleasure.

I am in a very weird mental space, and I'm not sure whats going on. I feel uncomfortable. I feel hopeless.

What I think I'm going to do is clean myself up, clean up my place a bit, and head downtown to the fine arts museum. Hopefully there I will be able to find some clarity or inspiration.