I thought I had met the one who was "made for me." It was an instantaneous reaction. That first kiss sparked fireworks. The next day I remember sitting on a bench waiting for the bus and WTF'ing but also feeling like a giddy schoolgirl. Thinking "SO THIS IS WHAT IT FEELS LIKE" to have had feelings like that for the first time in a long time. I didn't feel butterflies fluttering around my stomach, I felt bees buzzing around excitedly. I thought please, let this be my good karma coming back to me. Please, don't let this be too good to be true.

But of course, it was. It always is. There is always something. Do I doubt that he's perfect for me? No, I still think that he could very well be. But not right now, oh no, not now. Timing has been the bane of my existence-- or rather the existence of my love life or lack thereof-- and again a case of bad timing has struck me out, hard.

I respect the fact that he is in a place in his life right now where he needs to be free. I appreciate my own freedom enough to understand what he needs. And sadly, where his mind is at right now, he just can't take what I have to offer.

I came to that hard realization several weeks ago. It sucks but I dealt with it. I almost felt like my heart broke. I was at a point where I knew I had to either fold or go all in, and then after a few key questions I realized that I had the right hand of cards, but for the wrong game. I had no choice but to fold.

We started seeing each other less and less. Something is going on with him lately, and something is going on with me as well. The result being us finally having the chance to see each other after two weeks of not. Crazy considering we used to hook up every few days. And it was different this time, the feeling was lacking. Or maybe it was even simply gone. We get along famously, which is one of the reasons I was so into this guy in the first place. But no longer is there that "can't keep our hands off each other" vibe.

And the sex felt forced. Isn't that just awful? As if, ok, it is 1am we should sleep now. Obviously we can't simply go to sleep.. we have to take care of business first! I mean, isn't that why we're here? And so it happened, because it was expected, and nothing more. Afterward, where we would normally shoot the shit for a bit and talk for a few minutes about any random thing, there was no conversation. I stared up at the ceiling, wondering what happened. Wondering why did I feel this way. And the sex was good, I have to add, really good. Physically, satisfying, but emotionally, it just.. wasn't.

I wanted nothing more than to leave in that moment. I got up to leave, murmured something about wanting to sleep at home because I had to work in the morning. Even after I tested several excuses, he insisted that I stayed. I thought to myself, maybe I wanted to try to leave just for the satisfaction of hearing him ask me to stay, because I'm crazy like that. So I collapsed back on the bed and rolled onto my side. The minutes dragged on and I considered attempting escape this time, once he fell asleep. But then he would know something was wrong, so I stayed. Slept like shit by the way, totally not worth it.

That's where I am now. Tossing thoughts around my mind, trying to discern what changed and what I want to do about it now. All I can come up with to both questions is the same answer: nothing.