Super down lately. I am going crazy with thoughts, worries, anxieties about where I want to be in my life. I went to school for five years, I have two Bachelors degrees.. You would think finding a job along my chosen career path would be easy. Maybe it would be easy if I had the guts to do what I set out to do. But for some reason I just can't bring myself to taking that first step. I have my resumes printed, copies of my substitution card, everything is ready to be dropped off at schools. But I can't, I just can't.

There is something inside of me that is stopping me. I can't identify it. I don't know if it is fear, uncertainty, or my subconscious telling me this actually isn't right for me at this time in my life. OK that is understandable, but if I am not at that point to start working in schools and teaching, then where the heck am I? I feel like I need to figure it out NOW so I can start moving in the right direction. Because I can't stay here, wherever I am. I feel like this in-between phase needs to end and I need to committ to moving towards my future. I need to do something that matters to me, so that I can look forward to waking up in the morning and go to bed at night content with my life's work.

How is it that I don't know what I want to do yet? It may be because I have too many options. I am not completely passionate about just one thing. I'm passionate about a lot of things and right now they seem to be vieing for supremacy in my life. I have been taking my art more seriously, but its hard when I can't afford to buy materials. It's not like I'm succeeding at selling any of my work either so it is hard to make the investment. I could put myself 100% into getting my stuff out there, joining artist organizations, networking, showing at events but that is a big time committment. Why is it that I don't feel like I have enough time to do anything when I only work 30-35 hours a week?

And then there is the whole school thing... Oh the kids, the kids. In an ideal world I would be able to do my art part-time and teach art part-time. Like literally spend my mornings in a studio and go to another studio to teach kids after they finish school. WHERE IS THAT LIFE?? Someone please tell me where I can find a job that will allow me to do just that.

Aside from getting my Masters in studio art. Maybe that's what I need to do.. get my Masters..