Home sick, can't sleep. This is Day 2 of calling out from work. I feel bad because it is also Day 2 of school since coming back from a week off for May half-term break, but you can't control when you get sick can you? Well, maybe you could pack warmer clothes for your trip to Dublin and not run around the city in a mini skirt.. but who am I kidding, it was worth it.

It has been some time since I have written, and a lot has happened. I have been writing with pen and paper more often, as half the time I don't even know what I want to say but the act of writing and feeling the ink rolling onto the paper is therapeutic in itself. I'm writing digitally now because it is too damn early to put any more effort into it, and because writing in this format serves a different kind of therapeutic purpose.

I really don't know where to start. It is currently June 2nd, which means I have been living and working in England as a teacher for 9 months. I am in the home stretch of my first year of teaching, with 7 weeks to go. Since I have been here I have traveled to many amazing places on my holidays-- Vienna, Prague, London, the Canary Islands, Greece, Turkey, Dublin.. I have been called a "stupid bitch" by a student and threatened by another student that she was going to try and get me sacked, but I have also been given a bouquet of roses for Christmas by a student in my form who I had done an intervention for because I thought he might be borderline suicidal. I have met British men who have been good lovers and have met British men who might actually be bat-shit crazy.

Three weeks ago, my nephew Bradley was born and they asked me to be his godmother. One week later, my cat, my best friend of 20 years who I had to leave at home, died in his sleep in my brother's arms.

It has not been easy being away from home. On the very worst days at school, I get angry more than anything, because I think of all the sacrifices I have made to be here, only to be treated like crap by both children and the people I work for. I have to remind myself of all the reasons why I am here, to justify that it is worth it. At this point, it still is.

I went through one of the most meaningful losses of my life from an ocean away, and I still grieve, I still find myself shedding tears over it at least once every day. And I keep telling myself I will be fine and reminding myself it is worth it and that I don't regret leaving him.. I try not to think about the last year of his life that he spent waiting for me to come home, and I never did. I try not to feel too guilty for abandoning him, because at least that last year he was with my family, who I forget also had him for 20 years. I try and tell myself that he was as happy as he could be, and that he was loved.

I surprised myself with the strength I found. I dreaded that event for a very long time, and cried many tears over it for years and years in fear of it. When it actually happened, I wasn't devastated, I didn't fall into massive depression like I had anticipated (and honestly expected to write off a week or two of my life to grieve). I was sad, but I was solid. I kept telling myself I was fine, because I was. I could not have been more mentally prepared, and that strength must have been reserved deep within myself. I'm proud of that. In moments of weakness, such as right now when I am sick and in need of my comforts, I miss him terribly and I am very sad.. but that it normal and that is going to happen, more often now, but less often later.

About a month or two ago, my best friend was Skyping with me when I told her I was afraid it was near the end for my furry little friend. She told me this thing she had heard and passed on to someone else recently.. but dogs, and how dogs never die. When the life passes from their bodies, they don't actually die.. they just live in your heart. When you feel sad, it is because they are awake, and they are wagging their tail, so much that it inside your poor little heart it hurts.. so that is why you cry. But when the dog is sleeping in your heart, it doesn't hurt and you are fine. At first the dog is unsettled and awake a lot, so you are sad a lot, but over time the dog sleeps more and more, and only wakes up sometimes. I took this to be similar for my cat, who I knew would always live on in my heart even after he would be gone. When I am in pain, I feel my heart, and I feel all of that love inside and I know it is my cat in there, awake and purring, happy to be reunited with my soul again. Sometimes I tell him to settle down, but sometimes I just let him purr and I let myself cry.

Right now I am typing this and I am crying and it hurts because I'm so congested I can't breathe out of my nose, and now I feel pressure in my chest and throat because my body can't cope with crying and being sick, so I need to stop. I'm laughing at myself a bit because of how silly it is. It is equally silly that it is 8:55am and I am meant to be resting, but this morning I was too anxious to get back to sleep after my alarm and having to call into work again. Which is why I felt the need to write.

This morning I woke up sad and sick and a bit frustrated over things regarding work and home and boys.. but I also found within myself this sense of renewal. I can't wait to get back in the gym, and to stop eating crap food, to go on runs and do yoga.. to meditate and to feel peace within myself. Something about this sickness has washed away all of the stagnant negative energy that has built up and has brought me back to the feeling I had two years ago, when outside of all the shit at work, I was actually really healthy and happy and whole. I realized I need to cast aside all of the garbage in my life such as a recent boy that I have been trying to convince myself is right for me but woke up this morning realizing he really isn't, and can find that person again. She's in there. She doesn't have the same people in her life, or the same job, or the same location, but she is in there.