In the last week my body has declared open war on me. I'm not sure exactly what it is, but my feeling is that it is a manifestation of my stress and anxiety. I speak of moving overseas casually and the reality doesn't seem to be setting in that my life is going to completely change.. but on the inside those ideas and sentiments are real and they are causing turmoil on me physically.

I can admit that my visa paperwork is stressing me out. I started to feel fine again when I got it all sorted.. only to find that the bank fucked up my address and date of birth on the letter that needed to send, and its too late to fix it. Stress and anxiety and overall physical wellness did a nosedive afterwards. I thought there was nothing I could do, but at least I will try to go to the bank and argue my case, that they fucked up twice, and that it would be really nice that even though its not "my branch" that they could just write the letter over again. They are stupid about that shit but its such a simple easy thing to do.. and a friend of mine told me, "If you raise enough of a fuss, they'll do what you need." I hate to be that person but maybe I should just do it, and if it doesn't work I can say I tried everything, and hope the visa office accepts the letter as-is. And if it does work.. a stress-free drive to Ottawa tomorrow evening.

I haven't been training, haven't been doing yoga, haven't been eating properly. There are reasons for all of those things, and that is frustrating as well. The tune of life has shifted and I need to find a new balance. No wonder my insides are a mess.

This summer is all about enjoying the time I have left in Montreal. It's about leaving with no regrets and leaving everything on a good note. I saw Kryptonite at the gym last week, for the first time in months. We traded news and he seems really happy, and on the way up to success in his career. He told me to check out his recent work, and I did. I told him it was beautiful. I told him I knew he would be super successful in his career and that I was happy for him. I told him that with class, with genuine sincerity, and with confident ease. It was perfect. It was right.

Every so often I think about writing to the Stupid One. I wonder if it would feel wrong to start a new chapter without resolving that one final conflict. I wonder if enough time has passed, where I can no longer be hurt by him again. Or if talking to him will again suck me under. Sometimes I catch myself missing him when I'm lonely, when I'm in between relationships and have no one specifically to think of so I think of everyone, in turn. But him.. he is special.. In the sense that of all of those people, he might have been the only one to truly get me.. all of me.. crazy and all. And I shut him out. I denied him closure. I didn't believe he deserved it, and I can't say I think he deserves it now. But maybe it isn't about being deserving or not. Maybe it's about whether it's the right thing to do.

I'm afraid that initiating that contact would be like opening Pandora's Box again. Thinking about it now is bringing up all of these feelings, so maybe I am still not ready yet. But it's something that has been on my mind for quite some time now, so maybe one day that conversation will have to happen.

It feels better writing about it. Despite feeling all melancholy and everything now.

Tomorrow I am going to Ottawa, as I said, and there I will be caught in the battle of trying not to remember him and trying to enjoy what could be the last time I have with The Waiter. There's another special one. Can't explain why. Could have been the way it began, or the way it was the last time I saw him, or things that happened in between. With this person I see that, given the right hand of cards, there could be true potential for something very powerful and very real. Maybe too real, something neither of us would be able to handle right now. But there's that something there that keeps me coming back, and makes me really, really, sad to have to say goodbye.

I have many other things on my mind and many other news and things to say.. but the most nagging things I've gotten out and the rest seems to be pure anecdotal at this time. I'm off to answer emails and then read other diaries to try to distract my mind from the things spinning inside.