I didn't write in the winter of 2008, and I regret that now because it is the time I wish most that I had. God I was fucked up in so many ways. It was the time of The Stupid One when all hell broke loose. I went back to look for an entry around that time, because it has been plaguing me. Maybe the thought of entering a new relationship, or the hope of it at least, has gotten me thinking about my past relationships and all of the reasons they failed.. All of the reasons I failed..

And it's not even The Stupid One I'm thinking of right now as I wish I had written something. It is someone that I really just screwed over because of The Stupid One and that stupid hold he had on my heart.

When my friend died in the fall of 2007 I was devastated. I was traumatized. But to every cloud is a silver lining, I suppose, and from dealing with his loss and organizing a vigil for him, I met someone new. I liked him, he was sweet, fun, caring. He was "The Perfect Guy" you know what I mean, the nice guy, the nice guy who has absolutely nothing wrong with him except for the fact that he isn't "The One" and never will be.

I thought I could make myself like him. I thought I could give it a chance and eventually I would like him as much as he liked me. The glitch in this plan was The Stupid One, who just happened to be in the same fraternity as him... But they were friends and they got along, to the point where TSO (this is going to be a long entry, might as well shorten it) was giving TPO ("The Perfect One") advice about me. And I really tried to get along with TSO too because that's just the way I am. We were starting to actually to become actual friends. I thought I was actually going to make this work.

Until Grad Formal. Bad enough they're in the same frat but they also graduated the same year. So I went to the formal with TPO and tried to not be awkward around TSO who went stag (guess his girlfriend wasn't around or whatever). Hateful stolen glances across the room. Total awkwardness when the frat boys mingled amongst each others tables. I stood firm. Until the after party. Until TSO drank too much and started honing in on me like a war missile. I went home with my date only to receive texts from TSO. I had had enough. I had to end this once and for all.

I left this perfect guy's house on a mission to give TSO a piece of my mind. To tell him off, to yell, to make him leave me alone. And I did all those things, except something happened. I don't know what happened. My anger, my determination, my plan.. they all fizzled. I just know that I ended up at his place as we tried to hash it out and come to terms. I ended up sleeping over. We didn't have sex, or anything close to that. I continuously had to beat him off of me-- it was like I hated him, I didn't want to be there at all, but at the same time I couldn't leave.

I woke up the next morning and went home, feeling like the worst person in the world. I didn't do anything wrong, but at the same time, yes I did. And I hurt someone else in the process. And now that hurts me. It still hurts me. How could I have done that to someone who didn't deserve it at all. Why couldn't I have just felt the same way about him as he felt about me. I want to cry just writing this, because I feel so bad, still, five years later.

That whole semester is a blur now. The Perfect One and I came back to good terms, eventually. I remember apologizing, trying to explain, him having none of it at first but I think he eventually forgave me.. Because I just remember Convocation ("Grad") weekend he showed up at my house at 3am drunk with a beer mug duct taped to his hand. I think I remember making up then.

I also remember seeing him at Homecoming the fall of 2012 and being genuinely happy to see each other. I wanted to catch him later but never did, and was kind of disappointed about that.

And now, for some reason, I feel this burning need to talk to him and make amends for everything that happened or didn't happen between us. I feel like it's too late for that, or that it maybe doesn't matter anymore.. Well, I'm starting to think now that maybe it does matter, to me. But I don't want to dig up the past and relive all of those things again. I don't know what I could say that's different from what I already said five years ago. I'm not sure if I even have the guts to say all of these things to him, to his face or on the phone.

I thought about sending him a letter.. or email.. thought about maybe sending him this entry. I don't know.