There are two things bothering me this morning as I write at 7am.

One, it feels like I have completely lost interest in making art. Ever since I was sick, it seems like that part of my brain never came back. At first it bothered me to sit around all of the unfinished paintings in my studio.. now I don't even care. That's a shitty feeling. I know I have to finish a commission and start another, but ask me if I want to.

Two, I haven't been training as much as I would like to. This is not because I've lost interest but because I feel like I have lost the ability. I am scared to push too far because I don't want to spend two weeks in bed again paying for it. I want more than anything in the world to just go for a run but I am afraid of the negative effects it would have on my recovery. It is torture. I am always tired all the time. I trained on Monday, only did a 10-min powerwalk on the treadmill and three lower body exercises, and that was it for me for the week. My body is tired. I don't know where to go from here.

Aside from that, the one thing I do like about living in the city is that when you wake up in the morning to an apartment empty of coffee, you can simply walk across the street to get more. Unfortunately you have to wait until the dep opens at 8am. Sigh.

Hunting season starts today. All of my family is in the woods right now, getting settled in their trees, and waiting for the moose to come. It is an exciting time. This is the time of year that hunters live for. I'm sad that right now I don't seem to "live for" anything. Can't paint, can't train, can't do anything right.

Seriously, spending all day every day talking about depression makes me wonder what the fuck my problem is. I didn't think I was affected anymore by the "illness" that plagued me ever since high school, but maybe it does rise to the surface from time to time. This week was rough on a lot of people, it brought a lot of feelings and memories to surface, so I'm thinking maybe this is normal. But I do wish I could just do the things I love so I could feel better.