Having Lyme made me consider my own mortality.

Compared to what it could have been, I didn't think it was really that bad. I knew I was sick, but I guess I got so used to being sick that didn't realize how sick I was. Now I realize it isn't normal to not have the strength or the energy to shower.. To not be able to eat.. To spend day after day on the couch, moving only when I had to go to the bathroom, and while we're at that, developing such a close relationship with my toilet.. My only form of physical activity was the 20-30 minute walks I forced myself to take no matter what every evening.

The worst part was being stuck in a body that felt like a prison. I felt like I was stuck in an empty shell. I was just lucid enough to retain my perspective and to appreciate my misery. Yet I was not functional enough to at least ease my suffering with distractions such as art, reading, writing. I did some, but could only handle small increments of it before my head started spinning or ran out of mental energy.

I will never forget the thoughts I had after a few weeks of it. After I saw what happens to some people who have to live with chronic advanced stage Lyme disease. I don't know how they do it. I know I couldn't do it. I had so much respect for those people because the way I was feeling was so awful, but at least I knew I just had to stick it out for a few more weeks. To not have a light at the end of the tunnel.. to have to live like that, worse than that, for the rest of my life.. I'm going to tell you that my life would not have lasted very long. If, at 25 years old, I had to suffer from an advanced degenerative illness, I would have killed myself. I really would have. I have so much respect for the people who push on and live through every day, because I know I would never be able to.

It would have been game over for me. And that is what led me to the epiphany that has brought me down this road to the new job I have now. That if it were game over for me at 25 years old, it would have been a sad day. Because I haven't lived. I mean, I've lived in the since that I have experienced a lot.. but I haven't completed the mission that I was put on this earth to do. I haven't even started it. So if my life was over then, I would have failed.

I emerged from my illness with a newfound appreciation for life (life, as I consider it, meaning good health). That every day is a gift, and a chance to cover more ground. That your life could end at any given moment, and to lead a life in which you would have no regrets should you be taken from this world prematurely.

Its some heavy stuff. I may have written about it previously (curious now, to see what I wrote while I was sick) but I wanted to reflect on it again. One reason, I am starting another blog about my experience with Lyme and recovering from it. Another reason being that in my new job we spent a bit of time this week covering suicide prevention/intervention in teens. It made me think of where I stand on the topic, that I would like to say I am against suicide but that I would've done it too, under certain circumstances such as what I discussed here. So I just wanted to empty my heart for a bit.