How much of our fucked-up-ness can we blame on our nature and our nurture? Meaning, our personality traits that we adopted from our parents, combined with the way we were raised.

I am at a point in my life where I am surrounded by the evidence of the influence of these factors, to the point that it is so hard to ignore. I see it now, as I am babysitting my best friend's daughter for the entire weekend. I see that maybe I am a little more stern, less "bend over backwards" for the kid and more "if you are capable, do it yourself."

I don't remember spending overt amounts of time with my parents or adults in general. I didn't really ask for anything that often. I wasn't the kind of kid who would make someone cook them another meal because they "don't like" what everyone else was having (I was taught to suck that shit up, to eat or starve). I didn't pester my parents constantly. I was never glued to their hip. If I was upset about something I scarcely remember diving into my mother's arms bawling.

And the craziest thing of all, the part that I don't even want to write, is that I never was affectionate with my father. I remember as a kid always "falling asleep" in the car or in his bed so that he would have to carry me. That was the only way I could get any type of closeness with him.

I realize now that that's fucked up and probably explains *sigh* everything.

One of my close friends came over last night after my charge was asleep and I desperately needed some adult time. I told him I wasn't ready to live a life where you can't even sit and have a coffee in the morning until your kids are fed their breakfast. Or, maybe I'm not meant to have kids at all. He said, "The kids you put into this world are going to be the kind of people that won't get the shit kicked out of them when they are older. They are going to be able to take care of themselves, instead of being sheltered little brats."

That's how I turned out. But I also look at the other ways I turned out. I am fiercely independent, to the point that maybe it is too much. I am not overly affectionate. My personal space bubble is enormous. I like to be alone. I look at all these things, I do the math, and it is no wonder I have been single for so long. I don't know how to be any other way. The thought of being with another human being 24/7 (or almost) is maddening.

I know that ultimately it will be as simple as just finding someone else who thinks in the same way.