I WANT to write more often, but then when I think about writing I have nothing to say. Most of my good shit comes from the walk home from school.. or stuff like that where you can't just pick up a notebook and start, but by the time you get home you're distracted or you've lost it. Go figure!

When I was in high school I had a notebook I kept with me all the time, I would write pages and pages a day, sometimes several times a day. You know, instead of taking notes in class, haha. Then I would write in a different notebook when I got home. Then I discovered d-land and wrote on that too (an ancient account that is probably gone now). On top of all that I wrote poetry. And painted all the time. God I was such an emo teenager!!

I've slowly drifted out of my angry mood. Had a few really good workouts this week, played some squash, had a riding lesson yesterday.. and tons of chocolate.. Yeah, all that helped to solve the problem.

So I haven't heard from the Stupid One in like.. two weeks.. or maybe its been three.. It kind of sucks, I mean I miss having that person I talk to every day. I miss sharing my thoughts with someone who knows me inside out. I don't know if I miss anything more than that, though. I think those things make me think that I miss him, but rather I think I just miss my relationship with him. Which is crazy because that relationship ended last June and this is.. wow this is March, that's a long time. You would think I would be over it by now, but apparently not.

And I just KNOW that as soon as I stop caring, and stop thinking about it.. he'll show up again. And the process will have to start all over. I think that's bullshit and that's not fair, but it seems to be the way it works these days.

Part of me is sad that I've lost something so special. I can't really do anything to fix it; I've tried and then failed in so many ways. Now I've given up on trying, because I don't think its fair to be the only one trying. He needs his space, he needs to figure his life out, that's his priority. I'll be ready to try again if he ever decides to make me a priority again. I guess that's my plan. Stupid plan.