I don't even know anymore. Can't describe what I'm feeling or what exactly it is thats hurting. Just that I'm hurting.

Don't want to go into the play-by-play of what happened this weekend. Just that it wasn't good. Started ok. Ended just terribly. And then got worse.

I say I dont want to do this anymore and I mean it. I cant stand it, going in circles, hurting, finally feeling better, getting hurt again, starting over trying to feel better..

I know what I can do to break that cycle but its hard and I wish I didnt have to. But I know if I dont, Ill just be condemning myself to being miserable for a long time. Hoping he'll come around.

Thing is, even if he did, I couldnt deal with it. Too much damage. Would take a while to repair. Is it even worth it

But I just cant let go. He let me go for all of the wrong reasons and he cant see it. Its not fair. If he had a legit reason I would accept it but.. thats just not fair.

What a fucking mess. What a mess its always been. I wish I was big enough to walk away from it. But everything in me is hoping my phone is going to ring or he comes and knocks on my door, to tell me what I want to hear. Fuck