Sometimes when I lay my head down at night, I feel defeated. When did life turn out to be not what I expected? In what crucial moment was my back turned in order to allow for my hopes and dreams to slip through the cracks?

Was listening to an Alan Watts piece last week. He lectured, if money were no object, what would you do? Whatever it is, go do that. The money will come eventually. Because what is the point of life if you're living simply just to keep on living; to go to work every day in order to sustain your life long enough to go to work the next day.

I realized that is exactly what I'm doing. What was supposed to be a temporary, convenient situation somehow became my life. I have wasted so much time putting my dreams on the backburner.

But then, I wonder, what are my dreams? If money were no object I would own and operate a ranch. When I wouldn't be taking care of my horses, my students, etc, I would be painting in my beautiful studio in the loft of my barn. That isn't just a job or a career. That is a way of life. It is something that I obviously have to work toward because I can't just pick up and move out to the country and buy a ranch. I can't even afford to pay off my student loans. So the ranch is a dream for my retirement, or at least when I am at a point of my life where I am ready to settle down on a plot of land in the countryside.

I always knew that my stint in the city would not be forever. I said I would move to Montreal and hang out there for a few years, until got tired of it. I am still enjoying the city life, perhaps a bit less as the days go by, but I know I'm not done with it yet. So to go back to Mr. Watts question: if money were no object, what would I do-- within the confines of the urban lifestyle I am not yet willing to desert? I don't know. I really don't know what I want to do with myself.

I am applying for my Masters of Fine Arts. The deadline is in a month and I have yet to actually send in the application. I am having doubts. Doubts that I can afford to go back to school, doubts that maybe I'm falling back on school for the lack of having a better plan, doubts that I don't know how bad I want an MFA next to my name. A Masters programme is a huge commitment for me, and I want to be sure I want it with all of my heart.

I am feeling the pressure of my fears. Fears I have never acknowledged until now. I fear I am inadequate. I fear that I am not at a level to compete within my field-- both academically and professionally. I realize perhaps it is fear that prevents me from approaching potential employers in galleries and museums. It may be fear convincing myself that I don't actually want to teach in the public sector.. and substitute teaching.. I know that is all fear of the unknown that I will have to face every day.

It is a morose feeling I get when I think about these things. Where am I? Where do I want to be, a month from now, or a year from now? I just don't know. How do I find out? How much soul searching can one do amidst the chaos of every day life? I need clarification. I need a path to be lit in front of me.