This Strange Depression
Sunday, Jun. 21, 2015 - 7:59 PM

It has been a few days since my little... episode. Thursday was difficult, to have to go back into work and explain myself to the necessary people and to avoid questioning from the rest. I was still feeling particularly sensitive, but I survived. Friday was a bit easier, as it was an unusual day at school and didn't really require any real work or teaching.

I actually went out on Saturday night. Friday I felt like I was going to hurl all day.. apparently some stomach thing going around.. so I went to bed exhausted and feeling shite. But yeah, Saturday. I was motivated to force myself to go out, drink too much, and potentially dance. I did all of those things and made it to 2am. The night in itself wasn't particularly eventful. My friend, who is going back to Canada at the end of the school year, came over and we spent a fair bit of time talking and catching up as we had a few drinks. We went out, just me and her, and it was really nice actually. Just what I needed.

I saw this guy from the gym that I'm madly and secretly in love with. He is beautiful and I have the biggest crush on him. He was at both bars we went to, and I was too scared to go talk to him. I just couldn't think of what to say. "Hi, I think you're fucking beautiful, and I have the biggest crush on you," was all that entered my head. I hoped to at least catch his gaze, but never did. It was a bit of a frustrating experience, actually.

There's this thing about British men that I find extremely frustrating. The majority of them don't have the balls to, well, be a fucking man and go up to a girl they find attractive and talk to her. They lack the assertive energy that we sometimes find annoying about men in general. I have yet to be approached by a man in this country.. it has been almost a year now. And it is starting to fuck with my confidence, because I am not used to that lack of attention. I don't want to brag but I've often, if not always, ended up with the pick of the litter in any situation-- house parties, bars, the gym, "the waiter" from a vernissage or the MC from the cruise ship (oh, wait, that is one British guy!). From that to nothing. It makes me feel like there is something wrong with me, like I am not attractive or something. I don't know. Maybe I'm not attractive to British men. Maybe they don't like tiny little fireballs like me in this country.

End rant. Anyway.

I spent the weekend feeling a bit callous to my feelings, just keeping myself distracted really. Felt a bit of anxiety over stupid shit but it has passed. Was hungover for the better portion of today, then managed to drag myself to the gym to sweat it out on the bike and relax in the spa/sauna. Called my dad and chatted to him for a bit for Father's Day as I waited for the bus. Got home and treated myself to Chinese, to help soak up the rest of the hangover. Came upstairs to "do work" which ended up turning into finishing a book (with a shit ending by the way) and feeling the subtle fingers of this strange depression start sinking in their grips. I can't say I'm "fucking miserable" today or really even "down in a hole" but just starting to slowly sink, so quietly that I don't even notice it. It is just a general air of quiet sadness, of mild unhappiness, of callous emptiness. That is why I call this a strange depression, because of its unusual nature that is not debilitating but is rather like a dark cloud that is always following several steps behind me.

I suppose I should have an attack plan for this. I just try to remember to recite my mantras, especially in the mornings.. I either go to the gym or go for a run when I can, and really should be doing more yoga. I generally try to keep myself busy. I try not to work later than I have to. I have poured energy into taking care of my plants, as if nourishing life helps to ease my pain over the loss of life that I am still grieving. It gives me a project; it keeps me busy. I'm entertaining myself with talking to guys on dating apps, and maybe will meet up with them, just for something to do and a bit of a change but am not counting on anything substantial to happen.

And that's pretty much it for now really.

yesterday - tomorrow

It might make you feel better
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