I wonder if anyone has ever had a relationship that left a knife in their soul. Sometimes I feel that the knife is being slowly twisted around with mentions of his name or pictures of his face. Or seeing girls writing sweet messages on his Facebook wall... I can't believe I just admitted to that. But it makes me think about how when I had him, I wasn't sweet, I was a bitch. He deserved it, but I still wish I hadn't been so harsh. I could have been the better person.

I have never wanted someone for so long. And this is someone I can't have, someone I probably will never have. If I went to school somewhat close to him, maybe, just maybe, things could work. But would I even bother? There's so much water under that bridge. It hurts to think about how it was between us a year ago. We didn't hate each other, only our feelings for each other. What a screwed up thing.

I still can't admit if I was ever in love with him, that's the crazy part. What was there to love? I was given nothing to love, only to lust, and that's what I did. So, if it was just that.. why do I still care? Why does he still care?

His birthday is tomorrow. He doesn't know I know. He never told me the date because he said he always had a terrible time on his birthday so he just stopped telling people. When I was at his parents' house last summer I saw something with his birthday on it, so I know. I won't tell him until later. Weird how someone doesn't want to celebrate their birthday.. I've wanted to skip it once before because I was so sick two years ago, but I couldn't imagine ignoring your birthday every year. Men..

How I hate him.