One of my biggest struggles in the past year has been with lust. The temptation, the moral questions, the frustration.. all associated with my so-called feelings for "a certain person". Quite frankly, it has been a long miserable experience that I wouldn't wish upon anyone.

He came back with a girlfriend. Maybe if he hadn't we could have had a decent relationship with a beginning, middle, and end. Instead, there was just this big mess of feelings. I like you, I hate you, I want you, I don't want you, I'm ignoring you, I can't stay away from you, I just want sex, I want more..

How are you supposed to deal with someone you can't have when they want you too? It would be much easier to experience simple rejection and just move on. But no, not that easy. Its hard to say no to something you want, even when its not in your best interests. He might be bad for you, but it doesn't mean you'll want him less. For some strange reason.

A few months ago someone told me "what you want and what you need can be two different things". All year I haven't heard a truer thing spoken. I can distinguish what I want: him, and what I need: a good guy (not him). I found a guy (or maybe a few) that fit well into the latter category, but I didn't want him, I wanted "a certain person" and apparently that wasn't going to change. You can't be with someone if you want someone else, its not fair to either of you, so I unintentionally-yet-perfectly-aware ruined any chance of that encounter becoming a relationship.

When you really look at it, lust is love without certain feelings. Actually, I don't think you can have one without the other. Life isn't perfect, but at least these two balance each other out to create an ideal relationship.

So what do you do when you have lust without love? Add a girlfriend into the mix and all of a sudden you've become the "adultress whore" (ok I watch a lot of Grey's Anatomy) because you didn't say 'no' and he didn't say 'no' either.

Then you wonder "when the hell did that happen? and why did I let that happen? I could have just said 'no'." But it doesn't work that way. Lust is like an animal attraction, we don't think about anything other than what we want.. and we aren't willing to let anything get in the way of getting it. It is in our nature to be stupid, irrational, and selfish.

It is within our nature to be self-destructive.