My great-aunt is in my printmaking course. She is doing her B.A. with a major in Fine Arts as well, started a year or two after I did. I haven't seen this woman in like ten years and now I see her twice a week. Crazy how life turns out that way.

I couldn't help but to observe her in class. She keeps to herself for the most part and works quietly. I don't blame her considering everyone in that course is a good forty to fifty years younger than she is. She is focused and takes notes during slide presentations of material that is supposed to inspire our work. No one ever takes notes. But when I saw her taking notes, I thought maybe I should've brought a notebook to jot down a few ideas for my projects.

She is a successful artist who has sold paintings for over one thousand dollars. She lives on a large dairy farm that has been in my dad's side of the family for some time. She commutes one hour to school so that she can have that degree that makes her skill and knowledge that much more valuable.

I wonder where I will be. I wonder if I am turning to be like her, in the sense that she is focused and driven, yet introverted. I see myself becoming moreso every day. I am developing a one track mind, and the current road I'm on is 100% school. The social scene does not interest me, yet I complain of loneliness.

My friend from Australia was in town this week. Tuesday night he arrived and went to the local bar for some beers and to catch up with whoever was free. I wanted to go, yet beside the fact that I was exhausted, I was afraid. Afraid to meet people, to befriend strangers. I was afraid he would be the only person I would know there, but was sure he would want to hang out with other people and not just me. I was afraid to be sitting quiet at a table.

This is not me. I used to be a social butterfly. I used to love walking into a crowd and meeting people. I was good at it. I was fun, flirty, and full of life. I feel like the spark that was my personality has dimmed. A brilliant diamond weathered into a dull stone. It depresses me, and I want to change it, but something holds me back. I don't know what it is, but I feel like I'm tied down. What is binding me is invisible and self imposed. I don't know what to do anymore.