5 A.M.
Saturday, May. 31, 2008 - 2:25 PM

5 A.M.
The sky awakens, a shy shade of grey
Birds are singing their morning songs
I'm coming back from somewhere I shouldn't have been
And I'm laughing in the rain

Laughing
At our misfortunes, our history, our nature
To never be satisfied, but to never ask for more
A disfunctional mess that is destructive, yet still there
Here I am, walking this way, for the hundreth time

I can't help but laugh
How ridiculous it seems
Feelings that aren't justified, but never fade
Moments that are seldom, and never long enough
Encounters only in the darkest hours of the night

Always ending the same
Gazing at each other in the dark
We know it can never go further
And its best I get going
Dawn sweeps me home


Basically, the events of the last twelve hours. Those words were running through my mind as soon as I woke up this morning, I had to write them down.

I stressed for the past week or so because I didn't know what it would be like to see him again. Is a month enough time to get over your desires for someone when you've had almost no contact whatsoever? Or would my heart skip a beat as soon as I saw him? I worried that seeing him again would ruin the fun of grad weekend (biggest party time second only to the first week back).

Preparing myself by intaking as much alcohol as I felt I could without getting sick, we first crossed paths, said "hi" and kept walking. I was ok with that. Thank God that wasn't so hard. Later on saw him at the bar, pretty much ignored his presence--taking the fact that he didn't stop to talk to me earlier as a hint. At one point near the end of the evening I got a text message, which before even looking at my phone I had a feeling it was him. Maybe he was jealous of the guy dancing with me who I had considered taking home just for the hell of it.

Either way, I end up jumping into a cab with him and his friend back to their motel. Only slightly awkward because I kept asking myself what I was doing there at 3 A.M. I was entertained by their teasing of each other and of course, myself. Then his friend went to sleep and, well, what happened next was as I expected.

Before I left I looked at him in the dark, I don't know if he was looking at me too.. maybe.. and laughed. "You will never change. You are the same way you were six months ago, and you will probably be the same the next time I see you" I wasn't talking as much about him as I was 'us' and I like to think he knew that.

That moment in the darkness, gazing at him as our bodies were pressed close, was somewhat an epiphany. Finally, I had attained a true perspective of our relationship--if you want to call it that.

We have learned to deal with each other, in our own dysfunctional way. We have found common ground. The tension of our complicated situation has faded away, but the feelings are still there, somewhere, buried deep. I am starting to think that as our lives change, as our relations change, maybe that tiny stirring feeling we get about each other will be the only thing that won't change. That feeling is the one thing I haven't been able to understand quite fully yet. I don't even know what it is that sparks this magnetic attraction. I'm not sure if it will ever disappear.

So I laugh. Will we ever change, or will we keep finding outselves in the same place yet again and again? Looking back over the past year, and looking at where we are now.. everything that has happened and hasn't (and what I think should've) happened. What a screwed up relationship it always was. Yet we couldn't stay away from each other, we still can't. Closure that I had wanted so badly, tried so hard to get, was never acheived. That door will remain open for a long time.

And finally, thats ok with me. It feels right. So why not laugh?

yesterday - tomorrow

It might make you feel better
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