Healthy and Outstanding
Sunday, Mar. 13, 2016 - 6:25 PM

A fine Sunday. The sun is shining, the weather is tolerable, I did a rewarding hour of yoga, and persevered through leg day at the gym. I didn't get my tanning sesh in but I got my sauna sesh and since the sun's out, I'm alright with that.

Life has been a steady stream of regular but mild ups and downs, like the lines on a heartbeat monitor. I achieved a major milestone in my teaching career, and the same day I came home to receive my biopsy results in the mail. They got it all, no evidence of cancer.

I had had the best day. I received my first 'Outstanding' grade in my lesson observation that morning. Finally, the '1' I so desperately wanted ever since I moved to England. I fought hard for that 1, it took me a year and a half of challenging teaching experiences, but it all paid off. I just walked into my class and did what I normally do, I tried not to think about being evaluated, just about being confident in the way I have been teaching all year, and was surprised to see all the ticks that eventually added up to be just barely a 1. It was a major win after a good six weeks or more of solid losses.

But when I got home, I saw that envelope, and as I held it in my hands my heart sank. It was the same feeling as when I received that message from my brother last May; when I saw his name pop up on my phone I knew the message I was about to open would reveal bad news about the death of my treasured feline best friend. This time, the envelope contained a mystery, news of my own life or potential demise. I was scared to open it but when I did and when I read the lines, I breathed a huge sigh of relief. And immediately left the house to go buy a bottle of wine. This was an occasion to celebrate if I'd ever had one.

It's funny how something like that will put life into perspective, yet again, for you. Here I was coming home from a huge accomplishment, from something I wanted so bad for so long, only for it to be rendered futile in the shadow of my prayers for good health being answered. Life, at the end of the day, is the most precious thing we have. I have learned to hold on to it tight, to appreciate every moment that I have breath in my lungs and a body that can move. God keeps trying to kill me but I keep fighting back. I have won this fight, for now, and nothing in the world can compete with that victory.

In the days since, life has calmed down a bit as I begin to proceed with the necessary steps for my move to Dubai this summer. It makes me sad, to have to leave. I never would have thought I would fit in so well with the school I'm at now, never thought I would appreciate the people that I have been lucky to work with and learn from. I feel like I am 10x the teacher I was last year, that I am doing good work. It is sad to know this work will end, but I remind myself that it will begin again in a new, much more beautiful, and significantly warmer place. I know I will make friends wherever I go, and be successful in whatever I choose to do, I'm not worried about that.

I have also been plagued by secret thoughts and desires for the two people in my life that I thought I would marry. It is weird to say "two people" but it just.. happened.. that way. My dreams and my subconscious are unwilling to forget about the American Dream and the Stupid One lingers always on the edge of my thoughts. Why do I get myself into such trouble? Neither I can have. Neither do I necessarily really want. Or so I tell myself. So why can't I forget about them? Why can't my heart and my mind just move on?

yesterday - tomorrow

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