I feel a loneliness in my soul. Ever since my buddy has left this earth, there has remained an empty hole in my heart. What was once filled with the constant force of love and companionship, that was present even still across great distances, now lies empty. It is sad and it is painful. I have never felt this alone.

The sadness still overcomes me on occasion. It has been 7 months and still my heart aches. The feeling has changed from grief and loss to loneliness and longing. What will now fill this empty void?

I am hurting.

I try to distract myself. I try to cover it up with interest in boys but at the end of the day it doesn't measure up and although it may temporarily mask it, it doesn't heal the pain. I find myself in this state that mirrors the feeling of lying awake, eyes wide open, staring at the ceiling, and sighing.

I miss him. I miss feeling that ever present unconditional devotional love. How long must I remain in this sorry state?

Anyone reading this must think I am writing of another human being but I am referring to my feline companion. Twenty years. Twenty years is a long time. Twenty years is the difference between a young girl and a grown woman. Twenty years is the history of first loves, heartbreak, and deeper loves.. and even more heartbreak. Twenty years has seen people die and people born. Twenty years has forged a bond where you know another living being like the back of your hand, and can predict their every movement and rely upon the healing powers of their warmth.

I am still devastated by this loss. Clearly. I still can't speak about it. I can't say more than a few words without my eyes welling into tears, and I can't come out with any more. How long until this pain will cease?

The drugs have been helping. Unfortunately, due to being on holiday I was unable to obtain more before my prescription ran out, and now I have to wait until Tuesday to get in touch with the doctor again. I had a good month of feeling like a normal human being again, of sunlight bursting through that big grey cloud, and now I fear just a few days without it will plunge me into darkness again. The feeling has already overwhelmed me, 48 hours after my last dose, though I question how much of it is all in my head.

My head hurts, my body hurts, my heart hurts.