Insides
Sunday, Nov. 22, 2015 - 8:48 PM

Second entry of the weekend.. I know, I go through phases.

I woke up this morning absolutely miserable. I was in a vile mood. I awoke at 4am and it was almost instant. I checked my phone to see the time and read a few messages; that didn't help. I struggled against these mounting feelings to fall back asleep but eventually did. I awoke several hours later to no improvement in my demeanor. It took me ages to convince myself to get out of bed. I knew it was going to be a long day.

The first thing I did was make my coffee, then I was inspired to photograph my drawings from life drawing and add them onto Dropbox/Instagram/Facebook. I felt like being creative but didn't feel like being creative, so that felt good. I then proceeded to spill my entire cup of coffee, swore vehemently, and had to make a new one. My housemate, who had been in the kitchen, made some passive aggressive comment, "I figured you would be in a better mood after the vocal acrobatics last night." In reference to my rendezvous with the new boy, which I don't think was unreasonably loud. I thought the comment was a bit uncalled for, but entertaining at the same time. I just responded saying I was in a foul mood.

I dragged myself to the gym. After four days of rest from being sick, I thought maybe the lack of exercise was to blame for my downward spiral. It is a bit worrying to think that only a few days without gym or yoga could be responsible for messing with my chemistry like that. I'm going to let myself believe that's not the case. I get to the gym and it's freezing cold, which literally pissed me off. Who the fuck has the a/c going inside a gym when it's just above freezing outside? And the place was empty, there was no reason for it. Go ahead world, keep hating on me. May I also mention on the way to the gym it was, as I said, freezing.. and as I got off the bus it began to rain icy drops on me, who had neglected to put the winter coat on and opted for a hood-less leather jacket instead, putting me in an even worse state.

I digress. I did as much cardio as I could handle without feeling like passing out, then sat in the steam room hoping to sweat out the rest of the toxins from my body. But the steam room was too hot and the scent of cleaning chemicals stung my nose. It didn't feel safe, so I left for the sauna.. Which was barely above room temperature because I'm sure some little bitches couldn't handle it so they left the door open. At this point I was just like thank you, universe, now you're just fucking with me. But hey, when I jumped into the tanning booth at least that worked for me! No problems there.

Throughout this entire experience, I was happy enough to get to the gym and get back into the Sunday me-day routine, but I had this nagging urge to actually be creative. I didn't get to life drawing last week, so I guess my creativity was yearning for a bit of release. I was mentioning to the boy last night that I wished I could paint, but lately I have been so uninspired.But as I sat there miserably on the exercise bike, it came to me.. this wave of inspiration. I felt the need to paint what I feel, but at the same time to make use of the skills I have been honing with life drawing every week.. and then, like that, it came to me. A vision.

After my training and spa'ing and tanning, I sat in the gym locker room with a tiny notebook and red teacher pen in hand and scribbled down two quick sketches of what had come to me. As soon as I got home I sorted my shit out and then immediately went upstairs and got to work. I produced a preliminary sketch that became more of a drawing, because I simply couldn't stop until I had gotten it all out of my system. Will I ever end up painting this masterpiece? I hope so. It's difficult to say, with how busy I've been, but it would be nice to put some time aside and complete at least one good piece of work while I am out here in England.

What transpired onto my sketchbook was a self portrait of surrealistic kind, a style that I had flirted with in my imagination but had never had the vision to execute. I managed to unleash all of my negative feelings of sadness, homesickness, heartache, and a general sense of longing.. As little stylized red butterflies that fluttered out of a dark, empty void, which I felt was what truly lies inside of me these days.

I felt the need to write this all down. All day I have been meaning to put my emotions to the page. But now I have no more words, I just have this.. this piece of art.. But this says it all.

yesterday - tomorrow

It might make you feel better
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