Writing again, twice in one day, wow its been a while since then. Except now I don't remember what I was in such a hurry to write about.

Oh. I remember.

Earlier today I wrote that amongst my resurfacing feelings was thoughts of The Stupid One... the fear of him coming back. I last heard from him I believe about a year ago. He had sent me messages begging to just meet with him, talk to him, to give him a chance to explain things on his end and get some closure. I didn't answer that message.

It doesn't matter. I knew that seeing him again might make him feel better, but it would only make me feel worse. I was done. The way I "ended" it wasn't great, I will admit that.

The last time I saw him he was in Montreal for about four days on his way to the States to try out for a semi-pro hockey camp. He stayed with me, even though things were shaky to begin with. I remember so distinctly, sitting across from him at breakfast and listening to him talk about himself.. and realized "I don't even like this guy as a human being." That feeling was so poignant, and so clear.

As those few days passed, I knew it was done right then and there. I can't tell you if it was before or after that breakfast that I was lying in bed with him before falling asleep, the words were on the tip of my tongue "I'm done. I can't do this anymore. This is over." But I wasn't able to say it out loud.

The main reason I said nothing was that he was trying out for two hockey camps, actually, and even though yes I hated him as a human being.. I didn't want to ruin that for him. I didn't want him with these heavy thoughts and a broken heart ruining this opportunity. The rest of the reason was probably that I was scared. So I said nothing, and when he left I said goodbye.

He must have known. How could he not have known. Weeks passed and maybe we communicated, I don't really remember. Around that time I changed my phone number to a Montreal number and I never thought to not give him my new number, but I never thought to give it to him either. I tried not to think of it and figured when I felt like texting him, I would. But I didn't feel like texting him. After two weeks passed I realized how much happier I was without having him in my life. So I decided to keep it that way.

That's how it ended. Pretty shitty, I know. He tried to get in touch via Facebook and I didn't answer. He sent me a link to Goteye "Somebody I Used To Know" and I didn't reply. He messaged me once and said he had something he wanted to send me, said it was "time sensitive" and wanted to know if I wanted it. I figured he had gotten tickets to an event in Montreal or something. I said no thank you, I didn't want anything from him. He messaged me another time saying he was in Montreal for a few days and begged me to meet him for coffee just to talk.. that's what I mentioned earlier. I didn't respond to that, and I believe that was the last I heard of him.

Two years have passed since I've seen him. So much has happened in that time. But for two years I have been living with the constant fear that one day he would come to the city, and that he would find me. He knew where I worked, it would have been easy to find me there. I told the staff at the gym to never ever give out my personal info to anyone, exactly for that reason.

[I just have to say that halfway through that last sentence, my computer screen went purple, and I had to force reboot. I was so frustrated that I had just bared my soul and lost everything.. And miraculously when I rebooted Firefox it was all here. Thank you Jesus]

As I was saying. I am still afraid that one day he will find me, or show up somewhere, and I'll have to see him again. I am truly afraid for that day. I can't tell you why I am afraid, just that I am. I wish I could keep running away from that particular skeleton in my closet forever.