The Girl and the Waiter and the Boy
Monday, Feb. 17, 2014 - 9:03 PM

I am trying to make sense of what happened over the weekend.

Let's go back in time to last summer, June. Right before I got sick, I met a guy. I picked him up at a vernissage, actually. I had gone to the gallery with one of my best friends to support a friend and fellow artist in his first solo exhibition. This guy was a cater waiter at the gallery, he was cute, friendly, personable. My friend is the wingwoman of the century because I was completely oblivious of the fact that he was so into me, so she tactfully managed to get both of our numbers into his phone, with the intention of meeting up later that night for drinks. I was shocked to see that he had called my phone instead of hers. Anyway we met him and his friends for drinks, which is a first for me I've never met a random guy out like that.. and we had a good time. I agreed to go on a date with him and he took me on what was one of the best first dates of my life.

We started seeing each other and had good sport sleeping together. We got along well in the sense that we were both still damaged goods from prior relationships but enjoyed each other's company. Communication was easy, and it was honest. But then I got sick, and he moved to Ottawa to pursue his Master's degree. I could count on him to call me every time he was back in the city; I would leave my front door unlocked and he would slip into my bed in the middle of the night. We would screw, talk, catch up, sleep, and do it again in the morning. Then he would leave and it would be "That was fun, as always. Ta ta for now." Fun, easy, comfortable.

Then Boy entered the picture. When I realized I really liked him, I told Waiter Boy that I couldn't accept his booty calls any more because I was starting to really like someone. I told him this two weeks ago, after not answering his 4am calls. He had done the same for me in the fall, and when his budding relationship fell through it was back to normal. I felt the need to call him up just to say this out of respect for him and our relationship, and he was super cool with it. He said, "lucky guy" and said if it didn't work out I knew where to find him.

Fast forward to one week ago, Waiter texts me to ask what I'm doing on the 14th. I thought that a bit strange, considering I had just told him I started liking someone. He invited me to a party he was having at his chalet about an hour north of Montreal, citing our newly defined friendship. I was a bit apprehensive at first, but then consented to go as long as I could bring a friend.

That is where this long anecdote takes me. My friend and I arrived at his gorgeous lakeside chalet and immediately introduce ourselves to everyone there, and explore the place. We integrated within the group with ease. I am surprised by the extent that I really like his friends. Waiter is a very true person, and I find that he took care to surround himself with people who are just the same. It felt good being there.

I drank too much. Not on purpose. Waiter made me some gin and tonics, and how much I love my Tanqueray.. didn't realize how strong they were until two drinks down and I was having a good time. Add a glass of wine during supper ( which was cooked completely by the men, and was fantastic by the way) and I was safely drunk. After the meal, Waiter came up to me and asked if I wanted the tour. He knew very well that I had already given myself the tour, and I knew very well what his intentions were, but I was feeling it so I figured, why not.

The tour skipped all of the other rooms and went straight into the master bedroom where the clothes came flying off right away. I did weigh my choice, and despite being intoxicated, I knew I was ok with it. Can't tell you much about what happened, because I am pretty sure I had to interrupt during the act because I felt like I was going to be sick.. I wasn't sick then, but he bid me to lay down for a bit and then the room decided to start spinning. My friend came to find me in time to watch me puke for a bit (I'm too proud to let anyone hold my hair). I then brushed my teeth and returned to the party, acting like nothing happened.

But something did happen. I can't tell if it was the alcohol, the hormones, or a mix of everything.. But after having sex with Waiter I felt the need to.. I don't know.. be with him. I wanted to be the girl at the party that was "his girl," I wanted to spend some time with him and be close to him but.. I acknowledged those feelings, and labelled those feelings as "wrong" and "crazy" so instead of hanging out with the guy that had invited me to the party in the first place, I realize now that I kind of avoided him. Not intentionally, I just didn't go out of my way to spend time with him. Now I feel like I must have come off like a crazy.. I just didn't want to confuse myself, or maybe project the feelings I have (I wish I had) for Boy onto Waiter.

Like I said, I figured it was a mix of the alcohol and the hormones.. but now it's two days later and all I have been able to think since that party was how much I wish I had feelings for the guy. Because after seeing him in his element, with his people, in this life, in my mind we seem like such a good fit. I can see myself with this guy. And this is scary, because I like a different guy. So now I'm confused, its all messed up in my brain.

What makes this situation more confusing is that it has been about a month since I've seen Boy. I don't know what I'm feeling. I really like him. I hope he likes me. I wish things could work out. I'm terrified things could work out.

Adding what happened with Waiter in the mix makes me very confused. Now I don't know what I want anymore.

I feel like I need to justify myself to him-- to Waiter. I feel like I need to talk to him, to explain what's going on in my brain. But then I just started typing a text message to him to see if he was free to talk and I panicked and deleted it. I'm telling you, I'm making myself crazy over this.

yesterday - tomorrow

It might make you feel better
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