My last entry was very intense. This one hopes to be a little less so.

I wanted to type "more light hearted" but realized I can't promise that.

That was yesterday, wasn't it? Yesterday, when my heart was aching. My heart is still aching but I am trying to take care of myself the best way I know how. In December I devoted myself to daily yoga practice, and in January I am throwing myself into it.

I began my day with a quiet meditation. As I was having my morning coffee, rather than wanting to sit on the couch, laze around, scroll through my social media news feeds, my soul yearned for it. So I put my nearly finished coffee aside and gave myself the peace it desired. It was a powerful, affirmative meditation rather than quiet and still. I needed it badly after the emotional day I had yesterday.

I then devoted about an hour and a half to my yoga practice and welcomed the successes of the challenges I've put myself up to for the last few weeks. It is nice to see and feel progress :) This evening I did another thirty minute practice-- part of the Yoga Boot Camp that I've decided to do this January with my YouTube Yogi Adriene. It is nice to have my own practice but also nice to do something new guided by a teacher since I don't have anyone here.. so why not.

If that's not enough, I've been reading lots of yoga literature, from the sacred Bhagavad Gita to now the Four Agreements that was recommended by a fellow InstaYogi (I have adopted a community for myself of the yogi's that post to the January Yoga Challenge on Instagram, which may or may not be creepy to creep on strangers' yoga posts but I figure they wouldn't be on Insta if they didn't want to be seen so to hell with it). I am quite literally throwing myself into this because it makes me feel... well, better.

I am having deja vu in terms of a situation I have found myself in currently. To any outsider it must seem so confusing, for me to be so intent on this boy or that boy from one day to the next, but that is the way this crazy little heart works. So I will now proceed to explain the current situation.

There was this guy. I've written about him. It all happened so quickly, within the timeframe of just a few weeks, which is probably part of the reason for its demise in my eyes. It flared up and was stamped out within the time of one month. But when I fall, I fall fast and I fall hard. I don't fall often, but when I do I fall so assuredly. When it ended I convinced myself it wasn't a big deal, how could it be after such a short time? But here I am writing about this boy a month later, can you believe that, a full month later.. still thinking about him.

Rewind to New Year's Eve. Enter the Nice Guy, as his name suggests this perfectly nice guy has been pursuing me for some time. It began around the same time as the thing with the other one ended, so having that attention from someone new helped to distract me from my feelings about my little temporary (or so I thought) heartbreak. When he told me how he felt about me, I told him I had just gotten burned and was still feeling put off by my most recent experience. It was still so fresh. But I told him I'd like to continue getting to know him-- enter typical me, in the vain hopes that I will forget all about this guy and will find happiness with Nice Guy eventually. Right, eventually.

So we hang out, we do fun stuff. We kiss, we smile. I go away for the holidays and he can't wait for me to come back so he can see me on New Year's. I get back from holiday and spend a day or two to myself until he comes over on NYE. We drink, we watch hockey, we chill, we dance, we simply have fun. He spends the night because well, would be a shame to have to take a cab to his place so far away at that hour, and I made it clear "No funny business." And there is no funny business. We sleep, we wake up, we hang out and get some breakfast, watch a few episodes of How I Met Your Mother, lounge around for a bit. As I begin to sober up and cure my hangover, I try to mask the sadness.

The sadness of knowing that although we had a nice time, to me it was simply that... a nice time. And the entire time, subconsciously and sometimes consciously, I wished it was someone else I was spending this time with, having these experiences with. I would have been thrilled if this was part of my happily ever after fantasy with the one back home. I would have been delighted and very satisfied if it would have been with the Seaman. But I longed for the one that was by now probably spending this time in the arms of another. I wished it was him I was explaining hockey to, dancing with on the seafront under the fireworks and the stars, waking up next to, being hungover with. The one that was "too good to be true" as I referred to him in a past entry. I wished for him.

When I couldn't take myself anymore I got the Nice Guy out of my house so I could be alone with my thoughts. They grew stronger. I became more sad. I always want what I can't have. Never want what I have. I shot him a text, told him what I had realized. Told him I missed him. As the replies to this conversation spilled over into today, I admitted quite frankly that I was with someone else but wished it was him. A bold statement for me, I know. I am learning. I am growing.

For the second time I write this, the outcome of this "confession" doesn't quite matter as much as the fact that I was able to admit it to myself, and again to that other individual. I knew what to expect: nothing. And that's fine. Really... it's fine... Sigh. Fine.

"You win some, you lose some. No hard feelings," I said to him. And that's really what it is. Mohammed Ali said, "You miss 100% of the shots you don't take," and I am carrying that with me, I am adding that to my volume of mantras.

I have purged those feelings from my soul. Twice now this holiday season, once on Christmas Day and once on New Year's Day. It does nothing to keep looking behind. It is time to look forward.

Which brings me to the deja vu that I mentioned at the beginning of this entry. What you do when you have someone in your heart but someone else pursuing you. The last time, or at least the most prominent time, this happened to me was with the Stupid One. I tried to move on, tried to like someone else, and essentially led the poor boy on.. he adored me, he would have done anything for me. Nice Guy 1.0, you could say, the same as Nice Guy 2.0. The sad thing is that the Stupid One inevitably came back around and when he did the Nice Guy got hurt, and I felt like an awful human being.

I remember that snowy winter morning in 2008, standing in my kitchen, wearing a full length gown... hating myself. Thinking... what have I done.. Hating myself. I can't let that happen again.

My heart hurts for knowing that I will never have feelings for the Nice Guy 2.0. I can't force it, I simply don't want it. I know I will have to break his heart sooner or later. This part is always the hardest.