A few weeks have gone by since my last entry; life has settled down back to the norm. It is interesting how the month of November always fucks with me. I am not one to dwell in the past-- or at least, I am learning not to be. But what I'll say is it has just occurred to me that whenever I have an interesting "story" it does seem to always happen around this time of year.

Last entry I said I had male company. Let's talk about the Seaman, briefly. He is in the Royal Navy, thus the nickname. I met him last year around Christmas-time and we hit it off quite well. It was always one of those physical relationships where we could also enjoy each other's company, chilling and talking, no feelings, no pressure. But half of the time he was back in town I didn't care to see him because I grew bored of that kind of interaction. I saw him, like I said, that weekend and it was swell. After that weekend I actually felt like we could be friends when we weren't fucking, which is a nice feeling. But that's all it was, that's all it will ever be. I'm fine with that.

A week later I finally get the nerve to meet this guy I have made acquaintance with online. I'm not really into online dating and online dating apps, I don't like the idea of it but last year out of mostly boredom and partial curiosity I thought I'd give it a go. I at least came away from the few encounters I've had with interesting stories and lessons learned. I was at the point where I really didn't give a shit anymore when this guy grabbed my attention, and kept my attention.

I won't go too much into it, because I don't feel like it. What I will say is that after getting to know him, I was attracted to his brain, and I was attracted to his game-- I have always been a girl with deep respect for good game. I knew that he fit the bill in terms of the checklist, for the most part, but I wasn't sure I'd be attracted to him in person... because you know, online and via text is one thing, but in person isn't always the same. It's hit or miss really, isn't it? What gave me the guts to meet him was actually the confidence that even if I wasn't into him, I knew I would have made a good friend that I had things in common with that I would enjoy hanging with. It is nice to hang out with someone who isn't a teacher, and isn't Canadian, and doesn't live in the same town or work at the same school as you. It's refreshing. So I finally get the nerve to meet this guy and.. we hit it off. Three weeks later, I like him.. I still like him. And I genuinely feel that he likes me too. Just as much.. if not more. Now that's saying something.

November is the month that fucks with you. So while this is happening, I am also receiving attention from the one back home. The one that I actually was able to forget about for a while, with this new guy around. Naturally, as soon as I start hanging out with him, the one back home raises his head. Not in a too obvious or demanding way, but just enough to say "Hi, I'm here, don't forget about me." Fucker. I refuse to give in to that. I'm over here, living my life. I have faith that things will turn out as they are meant to be, whatever they are, and I'm leaving it at that.

At the same time, I'm all of a sudden getting attention from this guy at work. Normally, I would welcome his advances due to loneliness and boredom. But now my thoughts are occupied, and I am happy that way. So I'm in one of those weird places where you don't want to turn someone down and not give them a fair chance just because you've just started liking someone, but you don't want to be all two-timey because that's just messy and unfair to everyone involved. It messes with your heart, to have your attention divided in so many ways. So I have not yet responded to the email I have received asking if I'd like to grab a drink or coffee, first of all because I don't think it's proper to answer via your professional email, and second because I really wouldn't know what to say.

All this to just further demonstrate that life has a funny way of fucking with you. You are either bored, lonely, and miserable, or overwhelmed. I am being taken back to 2012 I think it was.. during that time with Kryptonite and Astro and the Prince (haha, I just recalled that nickname) and the unrelenting presence of the Stupid One. The time after which I needed serious bramacharya to cleanse myself of all the feelings and fucked-up-ness that that season had brought with it.

I do hope to not go through that again. It's different now. I am older, wiser, more mature. I know what I want. I know what I don't want. I'm not interested in playing.

It's just funny, that's all, the way life has it's way of throwing curve balls at you.

Here I am almost resolved to find a new job in a new country next year, but now it's like the universe is trying to tell me that England isn't done with me yet. And it's not just boys, it's other things too, that are just less interesting to write about.

Sigh. We'll see. We'll.. see..