I'm being all neurotic and having all this anxiety for what seems like nothing. I'm just being a crazy and I can't get rid of this.

I'm having problems with my apartment, about a stupid parking situation which is just plain irritating, and this week my water heater blew so I have to have it replaced. My landlord is in Australia so it has been just a pain in the ass to coordinate and to get it fixed. Especially considering I am supposed to leave for work 7am Monday and be out of town until Wednesday.. kind of something that needs to be taken care of before. And the thing is just leaking water its a fucking mess that I really don't feel like dealing with.

That has been keeping me on edge, for sure. Combined with PMS it is no good situation. But, take away the stupid stuff with the apartment and more problems underlie.

I can't explain it. I used to be so eloquent when describing my feelings-- been reading a lot of the journals from my adolescence these days. I will try to channel my 15 year old self:

When I was a kid there was this toy we had.. It was a water balloon toy, where you had to put the water balloon inside a plastic ball cage, and the game was to pass the toy back and forth like you were playing Hot Potato. The toy was on a timer, and eventually the water balloon would burst. I kind of feel like that water balloon. As every second goes by, as I pass through each minute, hour, day, I feel the ticking anticipation and not knowing when I'm going to burst-- only that with every second it is getting closer and closer.

I don't feel like I'm going to explode. I just feel like I'm in those moments just before. That is my anxiety of just going through day to day life leading up to this work week.

I am anxious to leave on Monday, because I know (or, hope) that by the time I leave all of my problems will be taken care of and no worries from then on.

It's just weird though. Last night I had a booty call and he came over, and for the first time since.. god I don't even know.. during sex my mind wandered and I caught myself thinking of all the things I had to do the next day, or something stupid like that (it was like 3am, I was half asleep, so I really don't remember). Wow, that's what I've come to. I might as well have been doing my grocery list. That's like committing a sin, to space out like that during sex. I'm ashamed of myself.

The second red flag was at some point in the night, his phone went off like he got a text or something. I channeled some neurotic crazy side of me that I never knew I had, and was thinking "What the fuck who the hell would be texting him at this hour? Is it some other chick? Wtf."

When in reality, what the fuck do I care if someone is texting him at 4am. He's not my boyfriend, I don't want him to be my boyfriend, and I truly could care less. So why did I think that if I didn't even care?

This morning he took his phone with him in the bathroom. And again, I thought to myself, "That's fucking weird why would someone want to take their phone with them in the bathroom unless they didn't want me to see who they were texting." Except for the fact that I don't give a fuck if he wants to take his phone with him in the bathroom, he could text the whole world on the shitter for all I care. (Later, when I noticed how long he stayed in the bathroom, I figured he probably brought it to entertain himself because after all he is a man).

But again, me thinking these things is totally neurotic and completely out of character. Maybe I have been watching/reading too much Candace Bushnell and I've been channeling my inner Carrie from Sex and the City too much. Because I have not been feeling like me, this isn't the kind of stuff I think or do. It was just so weird.

I thought having sex would be a good outlet for all of the negative vibes that have been building up inside of me.. But as you can see it didn't really work. The lack of sleep from being up all night having sex may have even made it worse..

After he left I went to the gym to try to shake this anxiety, but my efforts were futile. For one, by the time I ate breakfast it was nearly noon, and I hadn't completely digested by the time I got to the gym and jumped on the treadmill. I did four sprints and felt like I was going to throw up. I only did one round of my circuit, again feeling like I was going to hurl. That's really frustrating, to have such a Mission: Fail, when all I really wanted was to release this tension.

And for the rest of the day I have been feeling off balance like this. Like a ticking water bomb that has a piece jammed so it will never actually explode. I thought about doing yoga, thought about making art, thought of a bunch of things I could try but at the end of the day didn't do anything but read through old journals from 2003 and watch the Habs game (we won at least). My buddy came over briefly and so I socialized a bit.. but that was it. I feel so.. unsatisfied.. And frustrated. Just that something is not right. I have to find that piece that is jammed and fix it, because it's driving me crazy.